Dear Email, it’s over: A breakup letter for the Digital Age

We made it through the holidays together, but I think we both know that our relationship just isn’t working. As hard as this is to say—it’s over—we have to break up. We’re still going to have to see each other at work (at least for a while), so I hope this doesn’t make it weird. I still want to be friends, but it can’t be like it was.

First let me just say, E, I will always have feelings for you, and you know you’ll always have a special place in my heart. Remember when we met at Georgetown? Bradley Cooper was in our class, too, but a burgeoning movie star didn’t interest me—you were my college sweetheart. I could hardly keep my fingers away from you. I was always racing to the computer lab and logging into gusun.georgetown.edu to see what messages I’d gotten from you.

It was such an exciting time. I mean, you completely changed my life!

Once I graduated, you even helped me get my first job. Granted, HTML helped a bit, too, but you were the one who got the message out.

Then things started to change between us. I can’t put a precise date on it. I think it was around the time you got hooked up with spam and Marketers Without Morals that things started to go downhill.